THE ENEMIES LIST
A comprehensive dossier of everything that has wronged Little Donny. Very unfair. Sad!
★ CLASSIFIED GRIEVANCES ★ FOR DONNY'S EYES ONLY ★
"I don't have enemies. I have people and things that are just wrong about everything. There's a difference. These are documented cases of tremendous unfairness. I keep records. Very detailed records. Because I'm thorough. The most thorough."
— Little Donny, Grievance Collector
Active Feuds
⚠ Stairs
Always trying to make me look short. Sad! These things are rigged. Everyone knows it. I prefer elevators. Gold elevators. Stairs have been against me since day one. I've done nothing to them. Nothing! And yet, there they are. Going up. Going down. Very suspicious.
⚠ Wind
Very disrespectful to the hair. Comes out of nowhere. Can't negotiate with it. Very unfair. I've tried to make deals with wind. It doesn't listen. It's like it has its own agenda. Windmills? Even worse. Those things are killing all the birds. Terrible.
⚠ The Letter Q
It thinks it's better than me because it has a little tail. Always needs U next to it. Needy. Weak letter. Can't stand on its own. I don't need any letter next to me. I'm self-sufficient. Q could learn a thing or two.
⚠ Ramps
These things are out to get me. Everyone knows it. Slippery when dry. Suspicious. Very suspicious. They look innocent but they're not. I've had many ramps betray me. I take my time on them now. Very deliberately. It's a statement.
⚠ Water Bottles
Too small. Impossible to open. Rigged against my hands. My normal-sized hands. I've said it before—we need bigger water bottles in this country. It's a crisis nobody talks about. I'm talking about it.
⚠ Umbrellas
Never works when you need them. Traitors. I've had many umbrellas betray me. They open when they shouldn't. They don't open when they should. They fly away. No loyalty. Very sad. I prefer not using them. Rain respects me anyway.
⚠ Low Doorframes
Not an issue for me personally. I just don't like them. For other people. Short people. I'm 6'3". Maybe taller. Doorframes should be built with that in mind. For the tall people. Like me.
⚠ Salads
Rabbit food. Very suspicious. Never trusted a salad. They're hiding something. All those leaves? What's underneath? Nobody knows. I prefer well-done steak. You can see what you're getting. Transparent. Honest.
⚠ The Metric System
A foreign attack on our measurements. Feet are better. I have great feet. Inches, pounds, miles—these are winning units. Kilometers? Sounds like a disease. We don't need it. We won't use it. America is fine.
⚠ Stairs (Again)
They know what they did. Putting them on here twice. That's how serious this is. Double entry. Double enemy. Stairs need to be investigated. Many people are saying this.
⚠ Revolving Doors
Can't tell if you're coming or going. Very dishonest doors. Regular doors? Fine. Great even. You push, you pull. Simple. Revolving doors? It's like they're trying to confuse you. Deliberately. I don't like it.
⚠ Autocorrect
Always changing my perfect words. Covfefe was intentional. Look it up. Autocorrect doesn't understand genius. It tries to make me normal. I'm not normal. I'm Donny. There's a difference. A tremendous difference.
Threat Level Classification
LOW
Mildly Annoying
MEDIUM
Very Annoying
HIGH
Tremendously Annoying
TREMENDOUS
Maximum Annoying
Official Statement
"I don't hold grudges. These aren't grudges. These are... documented observations of consistent unfairness. Big difference. I'm a very forgiving person. The most forgiving. But I also have a very good memory. The best memory. And I remember every slight. Every stair. Every gust of wind."
— Little Donny, Definitely Not Holding Grudges
Report a New Enemy?
Think something should be added to the list? Donny will review your suggestion. But he probably already knows about it. He knows about everything.
"Don't worry about reporting things. I'm already aware of all threats. I have people. The best people. They watch everything. Everything watches everything. It's a whole system."